i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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