That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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