I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she looked like the before picture.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
