I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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