her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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