i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
