We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
