I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
