i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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