how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
