I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
