My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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