Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
