please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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