my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
