so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
