You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
