So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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