You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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