nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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