Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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