so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
birth control should be required to get into college
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
