I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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