I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
