everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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