I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
