I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
