apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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