the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
