Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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