So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
