Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
