I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
