Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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