Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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