The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
They are going to name an STD after you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
