All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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