The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
