so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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