Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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