tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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