I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
