Only a mothe r could love this liver
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
