im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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