meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
