I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
