I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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