You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
