i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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