I can tuck mytits in my pants
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
