I was born with a shot glass in my hand
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
