the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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