According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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