It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
