Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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