I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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